o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
