Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
