Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
