We're like a lot better than the average bears
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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