I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
