dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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