You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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