Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
