wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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