Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
bring money and cleavage
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
