She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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