The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
