I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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