I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Randomize
