If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
