It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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