I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
