your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
