does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
