I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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