Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize