This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
