I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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