anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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