Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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