We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
