Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
