My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
