so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
