His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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