Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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