You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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