ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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