He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
