I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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