You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
