if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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