She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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