im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
