i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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