You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
