i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
