I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
