I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
