if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I wish there were birth control emojis
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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