I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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