Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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