I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Randomize
