P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My bed smells like the plague
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