I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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