I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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