He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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