He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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